Is Anybody Special?

I am not special. Neither are you.

That concept was pounded into me during three long and grueling years of training while I was otherwise lost and pursuing martial arts. The problem with me, I’ve found, is I can’t compartmentalize my philosophy. There was no way for me to separate such a simple and broad concept within the different aspects of my life. And no I don’t blame my coach for the inabilities of my psyche, because in all honesty, it worked. At least, in that aspect.

No one was special. Not my opponents, or my family, or my girlfriend, or friends. My perception of others changed drastically, including a certain distain for people that acted like they were special. I was cold, unaffectionate and distant. Focused completely on what I deemed to be the task at hand, and everything else was unimportant or a distraction. As you can assume, tensions drew higher, relationships faltered, and friends grew increasingly distant. I was alone.

I wasn’t special. I couldn’t receive affirmations, praise, or love because I viewed them all as lies. Why would I feel proud, or fulfilled, or even care about myself? This type of thinking is partly what sent me into a downward spiral at the end of my very short, but otherwise successful career. Ironically, now that its over, I hear nothing but just how special I was. I assume that if I heard that earlier, it wouldn’t have made much of a difference.

I still struggle with this concept, and I’m not entirely sure if I’ll ever not believe in something that holds so much truth for me. Partnered with the experience of every time I’ve started to feel special, it ends with me realizing that I never was. Whether it was personal projects, like my art, or the way someone I loved made me feel. Beginning anything is impossible if you can’t bring yourself to care. Letting someone in is impossible if you feel like they shouldn’t care.

To make someone feel special is in itself, a very special thing. To have someone feel as though in all the time this world has held life, and in the vastness of the universe, that they really matter. I Imagine that person would be able to accomplish some pretty amazing things, with a type of passion that comes from something more than just survival instincts or the fear of disappointing others expectations.

Though god forbid, if they ever stop feeling special.